Dating Humor

In an attempt to take dating by the balls and into my own hands, I concluded I needed to dive back in head-first.

Since I don’t trust my friends to set me up and I never seem to meet anyone when I’m out, I decided online dating was the only logical option.,, and are definitely not sites for me (if I was just interested in a hook-up, I’d look through my phone…); I may as well stand out on a street corner for the same effect.  I wasted 45345 hours of my single life filling out the questionnaire for only for them to tell me I’m not for them.   “Unfortunately we are unable to match you with anyone at this time…” (Shut the fuck up! Tell me something I don’t already know?)

So I settled with the best of the worst and jumped back on  It’s been nothing but overwhelming and down-right annoying (I so quickly forgot).

To lower the odds that my dating mishaps were in fact only my fault (surely it couldn’t be?!?), I decided to take a more serious and softer (less abrasive) approach to it this time.   I changed my profile (who knew being forward and upfront was detracting?), added nearly 20 photos (to clear any confusion of what I might actually look like in person), and vowed to myself to be more open, less judgmental on the front end.  Surely I would find a few guys I was interested in seeing….

Of the 5294 people to view my profile (at the time of writing this) and nearly two days of sifting through the winks, “interests”, and emails, I literally found maybe six or seven guys I would even consider contacting or pursuing further (Trust me when I tell you I’m being less judgmental and more open to different types).  The said six or seven were compiled after two days of re-searching, relooking, looking again, and pulling a few from the JV team.

Now, I don’t claim to be the most beautiful person I know (nearly), but seriously?!?  I can’t decide if I’m more shocked by the type of men pursuing me or if I have some serious renegotiating with my ego to deal with.

Me:  Funny, intelligent, attractive, no children, employed, and SINGLE!!!

Them:  Missing teeth, quasi-humorous, slight intelligence (masked by horrible spelling and grammar), looks hidden by sunglasses and baseball hats (if they have a photo at all), has one to six children, and are SEPARATED or “I’ll explain later”

To spare you the boring parts which make up my online dating life, I will give you the brief synopsis of the appalling thus far:

  • I was “favorited” by a 72 year old attorney (who is 5’5)
  • I received not one, but TWO emails from men asking if I was “a good ride…”
  • The same fake profile has winked at me twice now…and then nothing (Snatch should make it a little less obvious)
  • A 43 year old (with zero chance) winked, “favorited”, “interested”, and emailed me in the same day.  He was so persistent in fact, that even after I declined him each time, and BLOCKED him, he changed his profile name and proceeded with the process all over again (because I’m clearly not going to know or remember it’s the same man…)

At this point, I’m falling into a dating depression; I’m reeling, trying to figure out what on earth would make these men think they have a chance?!?

Questions I can’t seem to find the answers to:

  • Why would anyone pay for a dating website when they are married and/or in a relationship (and waste my damn time)?!?
  • Why would anyone go on an online dating site, but never take the necessary steps to actually join with a paying membership? (What good is it to simply wink at people, when you can’t actually email them, talk to them, or pursue them further?)
  • Why do we fill out profiles if no one is actually going to read them?  (I mean, I don’t know about you….but I’m not kidding about what I have on there)

In an effort to change up my dating habits while keeping some sort of positive attitude, I’ve even tried to look at dating the same way as I did when I was in sales (surely the odds were the same): The more you contact, means the more you’d likely be interested in, means there would be more worth meeting, which would conclude that there’s bound to be one worth getting to know/dating further….

(I was rather good at sales, I excelled actually…so why am I so horrible at dating?)

Other things I’ll never understand or have noted:

  • Usernames such as: BigDaddy4U, CarpenterCok321, and LuvJuggs69 WILL NOT get you a date
  • Profiles without pictures should not be allowed (at all) on dating sites
  • The options for declining someone’s wink and/or email should be variable.  Sometimes “thanks for considering me, but we’re just not a good match” simply does not portray the correct level of harshness you’re looking for
  • It’s creepy when someone emails you, addressing you by first name (when you’ve never told them) or when they tell you they’re sure they’ve “seen you out”
  • I’m not interested in being anyone’s pen pal (nurture a faux e-lationship with someone else)

If I make it out of the email overload alive (online dating for women) while remaining hopeful, it should be a good sign.  In the past I met a few guys on here I liked seriously and was interested in, so I’m still optimistic.  I’m simply putting myself out there with the hopes of pursuing someone I want to know further.  Who knows? It could be fun.

At the very least, it’s providing me with loads of writing material and a few great stories… Because if something ridiculous, unheard-of, or just plain crazy is going to happen…it’s going to happen to me.

3 thoughts on “Online dating: The best of the worst

  1. kdaddy23 says:

    I don’t know whether to bust out laughing, have sympathy for you, or both. As it happens, I met my fiancee on eHarmony after we both waded through quite a few people to get to each other.

    “Online dating” is quickly becoming an euphemism for “hook-up and booty call site” more than anything else. The Internet makes it possible for you to meet more people than you can imagine… but if you join one and think everyone there is hanging out for the same reason you are, well, you’ve found out that this ain’t even close to the truth.

    I’m from the old-school where if you were looking for a man or a woman, you actually had to go on the prowl, check with your friends to see if they knew someone available, or go to church – or even hang out in bars because you just never knew where’d you come across someone who wasn’t just interested in borrowing your body for a few hours (although that’s fun, too).

    When on a dating site, well, your work load actually increases because you have to wade through so many profiles and then try to discern who’s legit and who isn’t, although some folks make it all to easy to 86; no picture, not much of a written profile and then one written in something that’s not even close to being English and other very annoying things.

    So even though I used one to find the woman I love, that didn’t stop me from doing all the things that were the usual for me; this was not only a “what could it hurt?” decision on my part but kind of a fallback and, honestly, I didn’t think I’d find anyone I’d want to be with. Don’t get me wrong; I met some nice women (well, except for this one crazy-assed chick) and they were all willing and eager to screw my brains out (not all of them came close to that but it was fun) – but I didn’t rely on the site for my pursuit of a mate. In fact, I was in the process of cancelling my account on eHarmony when a notification came in… from the woman who’s now my fiancee.

    If you choose to stick with this, don’t be discouraged – just do your due diligence so you can weed out the suckers!

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